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Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:50 pm 
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I still love the old Henny Youngman bit:

I went to the doctor the other day.

Doctor, says, "Bad news. You only have 4 weeks to live."

I said, "But Doc, I can't pay my bill."

Doctor says, "In that case, make it 8 weeks."


Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 7:58 pm 
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A few minutes before Church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the Church was empty except for one elderly Texas cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'


Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 8:25 pm 
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A Fellow got an email from his long-time neighbor:..."I have been feeling so guilty, I just have to write and confess something to you...I have been using your wife for the past year...in fact, I have been using your wife more than you have...I'm sorry".

The man, enraged, got his gun and shot the wife.

Five minutes later, he received another email from his neighbor: "Bill, I'm sorry but there was a typo in that last message...it should have read the I've been using your wifi!"

(Brrrrump-bump!)


Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:36 pm 
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Duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, you got any fish?"

Bartender looks at him and says, "Hit the bricks, we don't serve ducks."

Next day, duck waddles into the bar again and says, "Hey, you got any fish?"

Bartender looks at him and says, "Get out! I told you yesterday, we don't serve ducks."

Third day, ducks goes back to bar and asks again, "Hey, you got any fish?"

Bartender looks at the duck and says, "Look. I warned you twice. That's it. If you come in here again tomorrow, I'm gonna cut your head off and send what's left to our chef."

Fourth day. Duck waddles back and forth nervously on the sidewalk in front of the bar for two hours. Finally, the duck gets up enough nerve to go in and slowly approach the bar.

Duck looks up at the bartender and asks quietly, " Hey, you got any sharp knives back there?"

Bartender looks at him and says, "No, why?"

Duck replies, "Well, in that case, you got any fish?"


Posted: Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:48 pm 
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Location: East Texas Piney Woods
A captain surveys his ship and all his busily working crew.

All the sudden the sailor in the crow's nest yells, "Captain - Three ships closing fast from the east."

The captain calmly responds, "Swing us around, man the cannons, prepare for battle."
"And you" he hollers at his first mate, "Go and get me my red shirt."

The battle ensues and lasts for nearly an hour before the Captain and his crew defeat the three attacking ships by the narrowest of margins. Exhausted and thankful for good fortune the crew revel in their victory.

The first mate tells the captain, "Sir that was great leadership, but I have to know why you needed your red shirt before the battle commenced?"

The captain looks around at battered crew and states, "If I were injured during the battle and were to bleed profusely, the red shirt would hide it so that the crew would not become discouraged and loose morale."

At that moment, the crewman in the crow's nest screams, "Captain - Ten ships approaching quickly from the east."

The captain responds, "Prepare for battle." "And you" he says pointing once again at his first mate, "Go and get me my brown pants."


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 12:13 am 
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Bartender says, "Hey, not so fast, there!" A tachyon walks into a bar.


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 12:28 am 
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Ok, Robyn, if we are going there, how about this one:

Three hermits are sitting in a cave.

A caveman runs by the cave opening being chased by a dinosaur.

A year later one of the hermits says, "Man, that was a big velociraptor."

Three years later, one of the other hermits says, "It wasn't that big."

Five years pass, and the third hermit says, "If you two don't stop your constant bickering, I'm moving out."


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 1:12 am 
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One more, an oldie:

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. You see, several years ago Frank died, and I married his #@*&#*# widow!


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 10:16 am 
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I'm afraid most of the jokes I know can't be printed here. However, I used to think that all "dumb blonde" jokes were really stupid, until I heard this simple one.

Two women, one a blonde and the other a brunette, were on opposite sides of a wide river.

The brunette calls out "Hey over there, how do I get to the other side"?

The blond thinks for a moment then yells "You're on the other side!".

Mark


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 12:23 pm 
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TWO BLONDES



First Blonde: Which do you think is the farthest away from us -- Florida or the Moon?


Second Blonde: Duh --- think about it --- Can you see Florida from Here?


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 12:38 pm 
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A Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said, but Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The Blonde thought for a few minutes, then her eyes lit up and she replied "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked Saint Peter
She sang, "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 12:43 pm 
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 1:10 pm 
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Guy gets on an elevator and there is Blonde in there .As the door closes she says to him in a happy voice T G I F.
He replies what? She says again T G I F! Thank God it;s Friday ,Duhhhhhh!
He has reached his floor and the door opens and he says to her T I T S.
in which she replies angrily ,Just what is that suppose to mean ?
As he leaves he replies Today Is Thursday STUPID!


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 1:58 pm 
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OK, here goes:

A Catholic boy went to confession:
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a naughty girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes father, it is".
"And who was the girl you were with"?
"I can't tell you father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me".
"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say".
"Was it Teresa Mazeritti?"
"I'll never tell".
"Was it Nina Capelli"?
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was ir Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed".
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo then?.
"Please father, I cannot tell you".
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, and I admire that but you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy for four months".
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get"?
Joey responds "Four month's vacation and five good leads".



Jim


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:28 pm 
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Rodney Dangerfield:

"I don't get any respect! I went to the shrink and told him I was nervous all the time. I asked 'What's wrong with me Doc?' He tells me 'You're crazy!' I tell him 'I want a second opinion.' He says 'OK! You're ugly too!' I don't get any respect!"

Bad Bob


Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 10:11 pm 
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Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:09 am 
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Dang! I like that one Geeze!
BB


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:38 pm 
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Location: Eastern NE
A little short poem instead: :mrgreen:

It's winter in Nebraska
Where the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at just 52 below!
Oh, how I love Nebraska
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air and
Then your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think that I'm a fool.
But I could never leave Nebraska,
‘Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
Image


Last edited by Midway Tommy D on Mon Feb 10, 2014 5:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 2:59 pm 
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Clapclapclapclap!


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 5:13 pm 
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In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:42 pm 
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Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
An older couple are sitting in church one Sunday listening to the service. About half way through the service the wife takes a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to her husband.
The note said , " I just passed gas and thank heavens it was a silent one. What do you think I should do?"
The husband scribbled back, " put a new battery in your hearing aid!"


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:06 pm 
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President Calvin Coolidge was nicknamed "Silent Cal" because he was a man of few words.

One Sunday his wife was not feeling well, so old Silent Cal attended church services by himself.

When he returned from church, Mrs. Coolidge asked her husband, "Cal, what did the minister preach about today in his sermon?"

"He preached about sin," said Silent Cal.

"And what did he say about it, honey? the Mrs. prodded.

"He was agin' it," came the response.


********************

His wife, Grace Goodhue Coolidge, recounted that a young woman sitting next to Coolidge at a dinner party confided to him she had bet she could get at least three words of conversation from him. Without looking at her he quietly retorted, "You lose."


Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:44 pm 
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ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS



Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Anderson


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hose onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.


I hope this helps.

Walter


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 4:27 pm 
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A hunter came up on an old codger down in a hollow plowing with his mule. The old man said "Mister, don't you know you're trespassing?"
The hunter said "I don't need permission to hunt here old man. And I bet I can make you dance a jig!"
The farmer said that he didn't dance, whereupon the hunter fired one side of his double barrel shotgun at his feet. The farmer sure enough did some fancy stepping.
"That's prettry good old man. I thought you said you couldn't dance.I think I'd like to see that again!" and he fired the other side at his feet. The old codger stepped even higher than before.
Before the hunter could reload the farmer quickly recovered and reached down in his overalls and pulled out a hog leg pistol and pointed it right between the hunter's eyes, then calmly asked: "Sir, have you ever kissed a red mules butt?"

Whereupon the hunter looked the farmer straight in the eyes and plaintively said "No sir, I have not, but I have been wanting to for real long time!"


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 4:44 pm 
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Guy walks into the doctor's office with a frog on his head. Doc asks, " where'd you get that?"

" well, it started out as a mole on my right hip", said the frog.


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