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Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:48 pm 
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A guy and his buddy decides to go to a Roman beer bar for a couple of drinks after work.

The bar is noisy and the bartender hollers out "how many"? The guy holds up 2 fingers.

In a couple of minutes, the waitress brings them 5 beers...


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:03 pm 
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Tom M wrote:A guy and his buddy decides to go to a Roman beer bar for a couple of drinks after work.

The bar is noisy and the bartender hollers out "how many"? The guy holds up 2 fingers.

In a couple of minutes, the waitress brings them 5 beers...



Now that's a nice highbrow joke I can tell at our next Mensa Society meeting.

My only question is: if the customer held up 3 fingers, would the waitress have brought 4 beers? [IV]


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:13 pm 
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:D yes...or 6 (VI)


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:43 pm 
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THREE KICK RULE

Big time CEO in WV goes duck hunting. After sitting in a blind all morning he finally sees a mallard. By the time he shoots, the duck had flown over to an adjacent farm and goes down in a field across the fence line.

CEO goes to get the duck since the retriever can't get through the fence. As he's walking through the field, the 75-year-old farmer who owns the land pulls up on his tractor.

"My land, my duck," says the old farmer.

"Do you have any idea who I am?" screamed the CEO. "I can buy and sell you! Now get out of my way!"

"Nope," says the farmer, and a heated argument ensues.

Finally, after about 15 minutes, the farmer says, "Ok. Let's settle this the old-fashion way-- with the Three Kick Rule."

CEO says, "Never heard of it."

"Well," says the farmer, "here's how it goes. I kick you three times , then you kick me 3 times, and so on-- until one of us gives up."

The CEO looks at the skinny, old man and says, "That's fine with me. I'll even let you go first."

Farmer proceeds to kick the CEO right where it hurts the most, then when the CEO doubles over, he kicks him right in the face, and when the CEO begins to wobble, uses his third kick hard in the ribs to finish him off.

CEO is laying on the ground, writhing in pain, and says quietly, "OK. Now it's my turn."

"Nah," says the farmer. "I give up. You can have the duck."


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:45 pm 
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would the waitress have brought 4 beers?

Ten :doh: if she was a blonde.

Tom


Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:50 pm 
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A pastrami and rye,a ham and cheese , and a BLT walk into a bar.
Bartender says " we don't serve sandwiches".


Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:39 am 
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Just got this one in email..the downside of cell phones:


My boss calls me to check in on my day:

Boss: "What’s up?" "Is everything going OK today?"

Me: "Very busy day! I haven't stopped to take a break all day." "WHY"?

Boss: "Well - can you do me a favor?"

Me: "Of course, what is it?"

Boss: "Can you pick up the pace. I'm in the group behind you."


Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:18 am 
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The Classic Ice Fishing Joke

A man wakes up early one morning to go ice fishing. He dresses warmly, and heads out onto the ice with his tent, his ice auger, his fishing rods, and his sittin’ bucket, and begins to auger a hole in the ice. After just a few seconds of drilling with the auger a big booming voice from above intones: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” The man looks around and, not being a very religious man, resumes drilling his hole in the ice. Again, he hears the thunderous voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” Becoming a little spooked, the man packs up his gear and moves 30 feet from where he was and begins making a new hole in the ice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE EITHER!” the voice thunders again.

The man looks up, “God, is that you?”

The voice responds “NO, IT’S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!”


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 9:32 am 
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Found this one over on an audio site today...


I was at a pub the other night when I overheard 3 rather large women talking with what I thought was a Scottish accent. Out of boredom and curiosity, I turned toward their table and asked, "So, are you 3 ladies from Scotland?"

One of them turned toward me with an angry scowl and said, "It's Wales you idiot! WALES!"

To which my reply was, "I am sorry. I certainly didn't intend to offend anyone. So are you 3 whales from Scotland?"


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 9:51 am 
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
:D


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:13 pm 
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Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:18 pm 
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You're sick, Jim. Get some help.
Mark


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 1:02 pm 
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wrong99 wrote:You're sick, Jim. Get some help.
Mark


Maybe Jim needs to get an appointment with rubber reel lady's bartender... :wink:


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:03 pm 
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One Day, Bubba's Boss says, Bubba, when we are out together, how come to speak to everybody you see. Because I know everybody Boss. There is no way you can know everybody Bubba, nobody knows everybody. I do, if you don't believe me, just name someone you don't believe I could know, and I'll prove that I personally know anyone you name.

You don't know Tom Cruise Bubba. Oh yes I do, in fact, me and Tommy are good friends. Come on, we can drive over to his house and I'll introduce you to him. So they drive over to Tom house and Bubba knocks on the door. Tom opens the door and looking surprised says, Hey Bubba how the heck you been, come on in and catch me up on what you been up to. After the visit the Boss says man, I can't believe you knew Tom Cruise. I told you Boss I know everybody.

I bet you don't know President Obama. Boss, I used to be a grounds keeper at Columbia University when he attended and I know him well. Come on we can go say hello. The two of them are wondering around the White House and Bubba is asking everyone where the oval office is. When they walk past it, Obama comes running out and says, Bubba, is that you. I haven't seen you since my college days. Come on in and lets visit. Unbelievable Bubba, I can't believe you knew the president. I told you Boss, I know everybody.

There is no way you can know the Pope Bubba. I was raised Roman Catholic Boss. I know him too.
So, they go to the Vatican where the pope is scheduled to give a speech and they are standing in the crowd amoungst thousands. Bubba says Boss, the Pope is gonna come out on that balcony, but I don't think he can see me from way up there. I tell you what. I know all the Pope's security people, and I'm sure it will be ok If I just walk out with the Pope. If I do that, would that be proof enough. Yes it would, IF you come out with the Pope I'll believe you. A while later the Pope walks out and just has Bubba had said he standing right next to the Pope. The Pope is giving his speach and Bubba is trying to make eye contact with his Boss in the crowd. He notices a group of EMT's standing around the location he had left his Boss. Panicked that something is wrong he goes back only to see his Boss just coming around after passing out and he says, Boss, are you ok, what happened.

Well Bubba I've got to tell you I was mighty shocked when I saw you walk out on that balcony, but it was more than I could stand when the lady standing next to me said, Who's that man on the balcony standing next to Bubba.


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:21 pm 
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Now that there's FUNNY, I don't care who you are..


Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:28 pm 
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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a DOG.


Posted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 10:07 am 
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!


Posted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:17 pm 
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Hello over there Geezer:

Just showed this to Mrs. Wiegner, and she loves it.



Jim


Posted: Sun Feb 23, 2014 12:11 am 
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The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes...there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, how would he know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Tom


Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 10:26 am 
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Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
Two Idaho rednecks are sitting on the front porch.

One says, "Did you know that elk have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend. "I just joined the VFW!"


Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 2:19 pm 
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Were You in my Class?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well…you,ll love this.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with my new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.. “Yes, yes I did. I’m a Mustang”, He gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1975.. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit sob asked, “What did you teach?”


Posted: Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:11 pm 
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Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
Guy goes into a job interview.

Halfway through the interview, the interviewer asks, " What do you consider your greatest weakness?"

Guy says, "My tendency to be so honest with people."

Interviewer says, "I don't consider that a weakness; that's an admirable trait."

Guy says, "I don't give a s@#& what you think!"

Incidentally, I'm a lousy joke teller and have no memory for them. A fishing site I enjoy has a thread similar to this one and when someone posts a joke that makes me chuckle I post it here.


Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:37 am 
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Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
The only cow in a small town in Idaho stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow over in Logan, Utah for 2,000.00.

They bought the cow from Utah and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Utah?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Utah?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Utah."


Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:35 am 
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Posts: 780
A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”



Read more: http://www.rd.com/jokes/funny/#ixzz2wKSHaUgq


Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:37 am 
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In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”


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