Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 105 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:38 am 
User avatar
Super Board Poster
Joined: 10/17/13
Posts: 776
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”


Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:18 pm 
User avatar
Star Board Poster
Joined: 9/22/03
Posts: 7220
Stolen from Garrison Keeler this weekend:

Guy walks into a bar and holds up a handful of dog poo...proclaims to the bartender "look what I almost stepped in!"


Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:57 am 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 4/25/11
Posts: 359
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you
mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You
didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a
battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The
bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened
to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I
boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got
fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye
patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."


" Well, It was my first day with the hook."


Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 9:24 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 9/13/03
Posts: 2293
Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
nomdeplume57, that one made me laugh.


Posted: Thu May 01, 2014 8:14 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 9/13/03
Posts: 2293
Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish Lab Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't ---- in your eye."


Posted: Fri May 16, 2014 9:50 am 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 4/25/11
Posts: 359
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?


Posted: Fri May 16, 2014 11:25 am 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 4/25/11
Posts: 359
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds that it will cost 99 cents a word.

But after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head and says, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's Blonde. It is a Big Word.

She'll read it very slowly.. 'com-for-da-bul.'"


Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 5:41 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 9/13/03
Posts: 2293
Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
A guy calls home to his wife on a Thursday and says, "Honey, I’ve been asked to fly to Canada with my boss for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend, and we'll be staying at a lodge near a river. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend?
“And also would you get out my rod and my tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office, and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas and robe. I love you!”


The wife thinks this sounds a bit dicey, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked; and following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 


He answers, “Yes, lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike -- but why didn't you pack my silk pajamas and robe like I asked you?”


The wife replies: "I did, honey -- they're in your tackle box…”


Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 9:40 pm 
User avatar
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 1/20/13
Posts: 2153
Location: Eastern NE
Like :!: :cool

Tom


Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 10:34 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 4/25/11
Posts: 359
OLD BOB'S TABLE

Guy walks into a Bar and sees a table in the back . No one is sitting there so he goes over and sits down and notices a bowl of peanuts and half a beer still there when the Bar Tender says hey buddy that's Old Bob's Table. Guy says well OL Bob ain't here is he so it's mine now as he picks up a handfull of Peanuts and promptly throws them in his mouth then spits them out and says ,These Peaunuts are all wet and no Salt on them ... Bartender says yep that's Old Bob's table and he ain't got no teeth so he just sucks the salt off em ...


Posted: Sat May 24, 2014 4:47 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Frequent Board Poster
Joined: 4/08/14
Posts: 95
I keep seeing a little quip about if you can read this thank a teacher etc... Thought I might add this one so here goes.
A teacher was having trouble getting her science class to understand blood circulation. Hoping to clarify things a bit she asked, "You all know that if I stand on my head blood rushes into my head and my face turns red. Why is it that when I stand up normally my feet don't turn red?" Quick as a flash a little voice hollers from the back of the room, "It's 'cause your feet aren't empty."


Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2014 9:31 am 
Reel Talk Member
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 9/13/03
Posts: 2293
Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
With apologies to Mike and any other lawyers in our group:

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "you are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex is gone!"


Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2014 10:19 am 
Reel Talk Member
Ultra Board Poster
Joined: 9/13/03
Posts: 2293
Location: On the Snake River or Lake Lowell
It's snowing here this morning, so the Snake River smallmouth will get a break. But ORCA members have to suffer through stuff like this:

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.


The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"

Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 9:45 am 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 4/25/11
Posts: 359
Got this one Today. It's and old one but too good not to share.

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base. A ragged old Naval Chief Petty Officer, wearing old Khaki's with anchors still on the collar and an old squadron ball cap; was leaning up against the brick wall of the pub with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot stopped and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old Chief simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old Chief into the pub for a drink. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'


The old Chief answered... 'You're the eighth'


Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 1:59 pm 
User avatar
Super Board Poster
Joined: 10/17/13
Posts: 776
t was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ," Good Evening, Sir!"

The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".

The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"

Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"


Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:09 pm 
User avatar
Super Board Poster
Joined: 10/17/13
Posts: 776
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2016 11:12 am 
User avatar
Super Board Poster
Joined: 11/25/03
Posts: 516
Location: Florida
I believe that I can tell a joke as good as the next guy but this one depends a lot on having amazing delivery ..... so ...... in my experience with good joke telling I have found that no one can deliver a punch line better than a chimp in a cheap suit ...... so ........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPXVM3xbdAg


Last edited by reeltackle on Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2016 7:31 pm 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 1/06/07
Posts: 203
Location: central Pa
A buzzard walks onto the airplane with a dead raccoon underneath each wing.
Stewardess says "sorry sir ,one carrion per flyer"


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:28 pm 
User avatar
Star Board Poster
Joined: 9/22/03
Posts: 7220
From Ronel Lewis:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man insisted that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt-head wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As the boy finished his sentence, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager understood what was happening and approved the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with how you got yourself out of that sticky situation earlier. I like people who think on their feet. Tell me, where are you from, son?"
"Alabama, sir." the boy replied.
"You are a long way from Alabama. Why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but football players and prostitutes there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama."
"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"


Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:15 am 
User avatar
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 7/19/06
Posts: 173
Location: Western NY
Guy moves to Alaska. Walks into a bar, sits down and says to the barkeep,"I just moved here and would like to fit in with everyone. What do I have to do to be accepted here in Alaska?"
Barkeep says, "Well, to be accepted here, you have to wrestle with a Polar bear and make love to an Eskimo woman".
Man nods his head and says "OK!" and walks out the door.
Couple days later, man walks back into the bar, all covered with bandages, arm in a cast, black eye, limping. Says to the barkeep, "OK, now where do I find an Eskimo woman to wrestle?".
-----------------------------
The bell ringer at a church has to quit his job. The pastor advertises for a new one, and in a couple days a prospective candidate shows up. The man does tell the pastor that his method of ringing the bell is a little unusual. Pastor takes him up the bell tower and asks to see the man's technique. The man takes several steps back from the bell, then runs at it full speed and smashes into it with his face. BONG! Totally impressed, even though a bit puzzled, the pastor hires the man on the spot! Things are working fine for several weeks until one day the man takes his usual run at the bell, misses it, falls out the window of the tower and onto the pavement below! A crowd gathers. An onlooker says "Does anyone know this man's name?". A reply: "No, but darn, his face rings a bell".

The pastor now needs a new bell ringer! He advertises and son-of-a-gun if the first guy's brother doesn't show up with the same technique for bell ringing. He's hired, things are working fine for several weeks, then he, too, misses the bell on one of his runs, flies out the window onto the pavement below! Crowd gathers, one says "I don't know who it was, but he sure looks a lot like the other guy that rang the bell." Reply: "Yep, a dead ringer!"
---------------------------------

(LOL! Quit booing and just let me know when you've had enough!)

Best---- Joe Walkowski (WNY)


Last edited by JoeW on Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:05 am 
Reel Talk Member
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 12/14/14
Posts: 254
I saw a girl texting while driving the other day that really made me mad !!! So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her !!


Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:41 am 
User avatar
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 11/21/04
Posts: 456
Location: Jackson Michigan
My wife was very upset when she found out I was a cross dresser. She told me our marriage was over and that I had to leave.

So I packed up her clothes and left!


Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2017 9:28 pm 
User avatar
Frequent Board Poster
Joined: 2/15/17
Posts: 71
Location: Arden, NC
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?", she asked.

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature", he replied.

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself!"

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am", he replied.

"Well, there you are! No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me!" she said, pulling him into a side room.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "God I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta be a Marine to love that one. Semper Fi! (VMA-542, '85-'95)


Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2017 10:00 pm 
User avatar
Frequent Board Poster
Joined: 2/15/17
Posts: 71
Location: Arden, NC
A Marine went to the dentist and told her he had a broken tooth and he wanted it taken out. The dentist looked at it and said, "This is going to take a lot of numbing medicine before I can pull it. The pain could be pretty severe." The Marine replied, "You won't need it, I've only been hurt twice in the Marines." The dentist proceeded to numb the tooth, waited and then started pulling the tooth. It was very hard to get out. When she finally finished, she asked the Marine, "Did that hurt?" The Marine said again, "Like I said earlier, I've only been hurt twice in my life as a Marine."

The dentist, curiosity piqued, asked, "What were the two times ?"

The Marine replied, "I was on a patrol and had to take a crap so I went behind a tree, dropped my pants, bent down and my privates fell into a bear trap!"

The dentist said, "My goodness, that HAD to hurt! So what was the second time?"

The Marine replied, "When I ran out of chain!" :D

Betty Barr, that one is for you! LOL

I have to add here that my personal experience with Navy dentists as a Marine was stellar. Even a couple of years ago when I had a tooth that cracked, the dentist at my local office that was new but a retired Navy dentist had it out in less than five minutes with almost no issues. They get a LOT of experience pulling molars (AKA wisdom teeth) I guess!

Tight lines and Semper Fi!
Keith


Posted: Thu May 04, 2017 11:28 am 
User avatar
Advanced Board Poster
Joined: 7/19/06
Posts: 173
Location: Western NY
Happy Star Wars Day!

Am I the last guy on the planet to hear this one! Best--- Joe Walkowski (WNYTC ORCA)


Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 105 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
© 2016 The Old Reel Collectors Association, Inc.

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group